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Authors Note: This is one of the most personal posts I have written. It’s difficult to share, but I think it’s important to share it anyway. God bless you!

Sarah Smith, writing as Precarious Yates

by Precarious Yates

“I am my beloved’s and his desire is toward me.” ~ Song of Solomon 7:10

“Your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you.” Genesis 3:16

This may sound controversial at first, but think about it: Isn’t it problematic for men after the fall to have a woman desire him over desiring God? How many men have relished in taking what should belong to God? How many people in general, regardless of gender, have done this?

I know the temptation to be desired. Of all the things I wrestle with in life, most of my sins stem from wrongful pursuit of this longing.

In the words of Peter Gabriel, “I want to be wanted…I need to be needed.” I long to be adored and desired.

This is really hard to admit. It’s one of those parts of my being that I most want to bury. I want any kind of band-aid solution you can imagine to make sure no one sees this. But in fact, it is painfully obvious to most people who know me.

For me, some of my greatest pains came from rejection. Rejected for my body because I was too weak or not beautiful enough. Rejected for my mind because I was not witty or charismatic or smart enough. Rejected for my heart because I was not loving or compassionate enough.

Those last two always stung deepest. Especially the last one. Would God still accept me if people (rightly) assessed that I was not loving or compassionate enough? Or if I was not courageous in my care for others?

What if I desired more to be desired for my compassionate heart than to actually have a compassionate heart? Would God still love me? Of course He would, but closer to the heart of the issue is this: would God still invite me to work with Him in spreading the Gospel? Would I still be invited up the hill, like those in Psalm 24:3-4 (Who may ascend the hill of the Lord…)? Would I still be invited up the mountain, like those in Isaiah 2:3?

The stark answer is: not in an unrepentant state. I would not be invited to hear secrets, guard treasure (which is His church, and you reading this), or be called a friend, because I would be a thief. And a thief comes only to steal.

People are stealing from others what rightfully belongs to God.

Church leaders are.

Ministry leaders are.

Husbands. Wives. Parents.

Me.

I am stealing from God when I long to be desired by people and the nations more than I long to point others to the Desire of the Nations (Hag. 2:7).

When we steal, we kill and destroy in others what God wants us to protect, nurture and disciple.

It is time to repent.

So what do I do with my longing to be desired? Do I repent of it?

We cannot repent of this desire! But we can allow the Holy Spirit to redirect the desire.

Proverbs 21:1 says, “The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes.”

(We are kings and priests to our God!)

That word “wishes” can be translated to delights or pleasures. God can steer you toward what He desires.

What does He desire?

Relationship.

What if at the end of the day, God is teaching us how to love and be loved? What if He is teaching us, like a parent teaches a toddler, to receive and give love. Not to wish for it. Not to philosophize about it (which I’m really good at, by the way). But to live it. Not just understand, but embrace the fact that His desire is toward us.

God is for me. (Psalm 56:9)

He rejoices over you. (Zeph. 3:17)

He jealously longs for you. (James 4:5)

What happens when we let Him fulfill our desire to be desired? How can we do that?

What if He is teaching us, like a parent teaches a toddler, to receive and give love. Not to wish for it or philosophize about it but to live it. To not just understand but to embrace the fact that His desire is toward us.

He is for you.

Rest in Him.

God bless you!